email .one.

my [his nickname], you're so sweet. i want to hold you. i want to give you everything you want, everything you think you lack, everything you deserve. i want to kiss you in the pitch black of the night, where the whole world falls away and nothing exists except the feeling of two souls meeting, grasping as tightly as is possible to that moment of togetherness, all external sounds and smells and feelings spinning around and fading to a tingling nothing as the dark envelops us in a blanket of safety. i was at first feeling very hesitant to love you, not wanting to make myself again so vulnerable (having had so little time to mend and become whole on my own), not wanting to put myself (and you) into an unpredictable situation full of variables like [girl's name] and france and then your graduation and retreat from baltimore. i was afraid, but today you kissed me in front of the main building and i headed back down to dolpin and on my walk i realized that in my eagerness to experience all the world has to offer, i ought to slow down, turn around, and offer to the world as much as i have in me, and a new idea occurred to me: the idea that maybe some of my contributions are not going to be the larger things like activism and art and architecture, but the things that are uniquely mine that i share with those in my life. it's a very personal, intimate idea, and i'm not so accustomed to the personal and intimate; the idea frightens me, especially because it feels so right. i thought (and think) that maybe by allowing as many people (one at a time) as i can to become as close to me as is possible, some of what's within me might seep into them, and by that same process might later transgress even greater boundaries, if not directly then by influence. all the little things -- quirks, concepts, questions -- i've come by those through whatever means for whatever reasons, and probably not for nothing, i have been so lucky to receive, i must return in output. do i not owe it to the world to explore all possibilities as thoroughly as i can? i think it's quite romantic to involve another in that process, and certainly a helpful reflective in the thought process. i want you to be mine, [his full name]. i want you to be my boyfriend and my best friend and my greatest source and resource, and i want to be yours. i want to teach you every last thing i know, and i want to learn every last thing you have to share with me. i will not be afraid, not for any reason, because walking away some day, whenever we part, we will both be that much wiser for the wear, and is that not what life is all about?